Confession #1 - I Lied to You

I lied to you. 

You trusted me to be your pastor. When I led you in the sinner’s prayer I told you that from here on out, God will always be there. When you asked me if God would answer all your prayers, I told you, “Yes. He will and always in the affirmative.” When you asked if God heals all and any who ask, I told you that He does. When you were concerned about finances, I told you God’s Will is to bless you abundantly. And when you went through trials and started to become depressed, I told you God wants you to have everlasting joy so you needed to believe and WALK IN IT! You believed me. 

And now, I’m here to tell you the truth.  

The truth is that He isn’t always there, at least not in the way I told you to expect Him. I told you that whenever you need Him, He would respond. However, in my experience, he doesn’t. He hears everything and knows everything, but for whatever reason, He chooses to answer in ways we can’t predict. He may answer immediately. He may answer slowly. He may never answer at all. It’s like what I do to my kids. They walk into the kitchen shouting, “MOM, how much Tylenol am I supposed to take?” I don’t answer. They ask again…louder. I say nothing. Thinking the third time is the charm, they give it all they’ve got, “MMMOOOOOMMMMM!” With everything I have in me, I resist the urge to yell “Read the frick’in bottle!” Instead I sit. Eventually, they give up on me and, yes, read the bottle. I knew they had it in them and in the same way, I think God doesn’t always speak to us.  Remember reading in the gospels when Jesus was giving His life for our sins on the cross? The sky was darkening and His gut-wrenching, hoarse cry penetrated the ears of those assembled. He cried out to His Father, “Eli, Eli, lema Sabachthani?” He wanted to know where His Father was in His greatest moment of need. Where was God? We (pastors) tell people that God had to turn his back on Jesus as Jesus took on all the sins of the world. Since God can’t be around sin, He had to turn away.

And for the most part, this works to appease the masses. But if that’s true, and Jesus died for ALL sin (including mine), why do I still have days when I feel He has turned His back on me? Jesus took all my sins, I’m clean right? Suddenly, I hear myself say the same kinds of things Jesus said. “What the heck? Where are You? Have You forgotten me?” I believe God ALWAYS hears, but there are days He remains silent and doesn’t always come to the rescue. So, in a sense, He’s not always there as we promote.  

What about prayer? Does He answer every prayer with “Yes and Amen?” The truth is there are times God doesn’t always answer prayers the way I would hope. It’s not always, “Yes.” There are things I need, want, or desire that I am still waiting for. Some prayers get to the point that if an answer comes, it’s too late; the divorce happened, the friend died, or the job was given to someone else. Paul spoke of a “thorn in his side” he could never quite shake. He prayed three times for the thorn to be removed and essentially God said, “No.” He told Paul he could handle it and therefore, whatever the thorn was, it remained. I have heard much speculation as to the nature of this thorn: some believe it was poor eyesight; some say it was a difficult person or a group of them; some believe it could have been an addiction of some sort. Whatever the case, he prayed, and he was never delivered from it. At first this annoyed me. I tell people the Bible says that whatever we ask in prayer we will receive, but even Paul’s life doesn’t confirm this, so I’m a liar.  Paul says he was given the thorn so as not to become proud. There is a chance, a very big one I might add, that God knew Paul would be prone to becoming arrogant so He refused to remove the thorn in order to protect Paul from himself.

Just as we do as parents. We want our children to constantly learn and grow even if it’s painful for them. We hope they will build character, patience, and perseverance. Is it possible that God is being the ultimate parent? We may never really know, but one thing is certain, God will and has said no to prayer requests.

With prayer in mind, let's move on to healing. Does He heal all who ask? No, He does not. I know this by the amount of Godly friends I have lost to cancer, by those in wheelchairs being carted around to one healing service after another, and by those affected with mental illness and waiting for the chemicals to balance so they can think clearly and rationally again. Some say those not healed don’t have enough faith for the healing. Others say everyone does get healed, just not on this side of heaven. Great, but that’s not where I wanted them healed. I want the friends I lost to be healed here, and more to the point, some of them wanted and expected to be healed HERE. So again we are left with the notion that God can and will do what He wants regardless of what we ask for. 

I told you that you could have abundant life. That’s what all pastors say but what does it really mean? Is it stuff? Is it money? Is it friends and family? For many, abundant life does mean stuff. Cool stuff. Many believe if our heart desires it, then it’s His desire for us. To many, we are to be wealthy and we are to live abundantly blessed with all of our dreams coming true because we believe and follow the one true God. Well guess what? As much as I desire a cute blue Mini Cooper with England’s Union Jack painted on top, my bank account says, “No.” So instead I have a well-worn Pontiac Aztek complete with a broken instrument panel and a glued on passenger side mirror. In the opinion of most people, it is quite possibly the ugliest car ever made. Small children shriek in fear as I drive by.  But when I get to serve food to the homeless, lead a Christmas toy drive, or simply buy someone a cup of coffee, I am filled to the brim with hope, peace, and love. I know it sounds sappy, but it’s true. I think abundant life is about being so full of goodwill toward others that it moves us to act. When we spend so much time focused on our desires, we fail to experience the joy of paying it forward and instead miss out on so much life has to offer. Life really isn’t about us, is it? It’s more about us reflecting God to others; a life that accomplishes this is an abundant life.

And lastly, let’s talk about everlasting joy. For me it’s hard to walk in everlasting joy all of the time. Is it actually achievable this side of Heaven? Everlasting joy, meaning it will never end.  Always happy. Always. I’m not always happy. Are you? I grieve for friends I have lost due to hurts and misunderstandings. I get frustrated with groups of people not listening to other groups of people and both sides refusing to be empathetic. As I watch the news, I’m blown away by how others intimidate through fear and violence. And after hearing about 20 innocent children being slaughtered in an elementary school a few weeks before Christmas, I can’t say I was joyous. I was distraught. I was broken. And as I stood in front of my congregation, ready to lead them into a celebration of Christ’s birth, I was utterly hopeless. To twist a well-worn cliché, “Jesus never promised us a rose garden.” So, why then, do I promise it for Him? He actually tells us we will mourn, we will be insulted, we will be overlooked, we will fight within our families, and we will be at war.

God never promised us a rose garden

In this, Jesus did not lie. I have experienced the pain this life offers and have suffered under crushing weight of depression as a result. I hid the fact I was depressed and taking anti-depressants so people would not think less of me or think my faith in God was weak. Sometimes I wonder how much closer I could have been to others had I been honest and transparent? How many more people could I have helped if I would have allowed people to help me? But seriously, the truth doesn’t sell well and in order for you to buy into God, I had to create a version that doesn’t exist.

But seriously, the truth doesn’t sell well and in order for you to buy into God, I had to create a version that doesn’t exist.

Since I’m coming clean, here’s what I would tell you now. He loves you. He gave everything for you. He hears you. This is truth you can stand on. The rest are theories concerning Him that have been built on shifting sand and do not hold up when the trials and tragedies of life happen. These theories are dangerous and transform us into people who snap our fingers and expect the God of the universe to act on our behalf. Would we respect this version of God? Would we be compassionate enough to mourn when others mourn following a God who has never given us reason to mourn? Would we have an opportunity to grow with a God who gives us whatever we want when we want it? Or would we be the type of people that can do nothing for ourselves? But this god is not my God. My God is mysterious. He’s dangerous. Just when I think I have figured Him out, I find I actually know nothing. I would rather follow a God I cannot understand more than one I can. If I can understand how God works, there’s a temptation for me to manipulate him. And let’s be honest, I would try to manipulate him. Instead, I follow a God I don’t always understand and therefore, I stay on my knees, in awe. 

But again, that doesn’t sell well.

Stay tuned for my thoughts in this later this week.